Waking Up

Whenever I'm under a lot of stress, I tend to get only small tasks accomplished and the big, important stuff gets pushed aside. I guess it's because the small tasks give me a quick sense of accomplishment but not quite enough to make me feel like I can take on more valued projects. One of the things that gets ignored during these times is this blog and I shouldn't let that happen. Writing (when it isn't a required activity) has always been a good outlet for me and helps to empty my thoughts. Then, instead of letting them cascade around my brain, I can leave them on the page to fight amongst themselves.

As some may know from reading this blog, I have been struggling through my doctoral program for years. There were several bumps along the way and I have never wanted to be a quitter, but lately I've realized that I'm not on the right path. Many things have changed since I started the program as an eager 25 year old. I had become a listless 31 year old who had very little vision of where he was going. My wife told me that it had been a long time since I had been truly happy and not enveloped in some level of pain. I've probably known this for awhile, but until recently I wasn't able to admit it to myself.

The greater part of me expressed the need to make a clean break from my program and leave it behind, but there are undoubtedly some advantages to finishing the degree. There have been a number of things about the program that made it nearly impossible to finish, so I wrote a letter to my advisor asking if those obstacles could be sidestepped or even eliminated. I figured there wasn't any harm in trying since I had very little to loose, but the likelihood that such conditions would be accepted seems very low. So, why didn't I just make the break? At the time it seemed egotistical to think there was absolutely no chance things could change for the better and I had to give it a try.

In the two weeks since I sent that letter I have heard nothing and any resolve I had to continue in the program has begun to fall behind me. The person I was, the conditions and influences that propelled me, and the influences that blindly guided me are all gone now. That isn't to say that I am an empty vessel waiting to be filled since I've never believed that was what I'm all about. It was a big step to realize I was on the wrong path, but that doesn't mean the journey ahead will be easy. On the contrary, it may be much more difficult.

So, here I am on the verge of a new voyage where I can leave behind the anchors I had left dragging in the sand. I know now that I have to release them if I ever hope to find out who I really am and what it is I'm going to become. The anchor to friends that left me behind in their self absorbed world, the anchor to a childhood that was filled with negative influences and nightmares, the anchor that told me I couldn't change and become who I want to be...all need to be left behind in the harbor so I can set sail and finally wake up.